Just Between Us
by MadameCissy
Summary: Olivia and Amanda find themselves spending more and more time together outside of work, leaving them both to wonder if perhaps things between them are changing in a way they didn't see coming. [Rolivia]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** Olivia and Amanda find themselves spending more and more time together outside of work, leaving them both to wonder if perhaps things between are changing in a way they didn't see coming.

**Pairing:** Olivia/Amanda

**Rating:** T

**Disclaimer:** I do not own SVU or any of its characters.

**Author's note:** I am slowly going back to writing but updates take forever to finish. I have an 8 week old son who takes up most of my time and I get very little chance to write. I'm doing the best I can.

**Chapter 1**

Olivia Benson put down the phone and ran her fingers through her hair. She felt frustration bubbling underneath her skin and she took a couple of deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself down. The call she just received had ticked her off, which wasn't easy to do but right now, Olivia was angry.

The usual buzz of the bullpen filtered through the open door into her office and her gaze fixed on the desks she could see from where she was sitting. It was four o'clock on a Friday afternoon and Detectives Amanda Rollins and Fin Tutuola were finishing up for the day. Earlier she had overheard them talking about how they were looking forward to a weekend that didn't involve being on call.

Heaving a sigh, Olivia pushed herself up out of her chair, picked up her coat and handbag and closed the door to her office behind her as she stepped out.

"Going home, Sarg?" Fin asked when he spotted Olivia.

She grinned though it wasn't sincere. "I wish," she answered. "I just got off the phone with the Police Commissioner. He's arranged a last minute meeting. He wants to see me at One PP at five."

Amanda checked her watch, realising that Olivia didn't have much time. "On a Friday afternoon? Gees, that's harsh."

"Tell me about it," Olivia answered. "I've gotta drive halfway across town to pick up Noah and take him with me. My usual babysitter, Lucy, is on vacation and Nick and his mom are out of town to see Zara. I don't have anyone who can have him." She sighed.

"I'll do it," Amanda piped up.

Olivia's eyes snapped in the blonde's direction. The offer came as a surprise and she arched an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yeah." Amanda shrugged, avoiding making eye contact. "Back in Atlanta, I used to babysit my friend's little girl all the time." Slowly she peered up at the brunette, a hesitant smile lingering on her lips. "If you don't want me to, I understand. Noah doesn't know me. It's cool." She began gathering the paperwork lying across her desk.

"Nursery finishes at five. I'll text you the address and let them know you're picking him up." Olivia smiled as she put on her coat. As she walked past the blonde, she put a hand on her shoulder and sent her a warm smile. "Thanks, Amanda."

"No problem."

Olivia walked out of the bullpen as relief settled in her stomach. The thought of taking Noah to a meeting with the Police Commissioner wasn't ideal, especially since everyone higher up the food chain seemed set on reminding her that some days she struggled to balance being a single mother and a demanding job. The fact she didn't have anyone to watch Noah only reminded her of that.

Amanda's offer, albeit a bit surprising, had come as a godsend and Olivia made a mental note to thank her again later that night. She just hoped the Police Commissioner wouldn't keep her for too long and she would still be home in time for Noah's bedtime. She hated him going to bed without seeing her and she did her best to avoid it but there had been more occasions than she'd like to admit where she hadn't been able to kiss him goodnight.

As the elevator doors closed, Olivia took her cell phone from her coat pocket and scrolled through her contacts until she found the phone number for the nursery where she sent Noah every day. It was two blocks from her apartment and she had thoroughly vetted all the staff. Whenever she picked Noah up, he was always smiling. At least three times a week he would come home with a new drawing or painting or some other piece of artwork. It would proudly find its place on her fridge.

A woman answered on the other side of the line just as the elevator doors opened. Olivia stepped out into the lobby and walked towards the precinct's main entrance.

"This is Olivia Benson, Noah's mom," she said whilst stepping outside. "I'm sorry but I won't be able to pick up Noah tonight. My friend Amanda Rollins will collect him instead. She's an NYPD officer and I trust her. Can you please see to it that Noah is placed in her care?"

"No problem, Miss Benson," the woman answered. "Have a nice evening."

"You too," Olivia replied and hung up. She then proceeded to open up her message and texted Amanda the address of the nursery. Within seconds she received a reply.

_Thanks, Liv. I'll take good care of him, I promise. We'll see you when you get home. _

Olivia heaved a sigh as she walked onto the parking lot and got behind the wheel. The last thing she wanted to do was go to this meeting but she didn't have a choice. Sometimes the burden of the job outweighed her personal life and as painful as it was to admit to herself, it was something she couldn't avoid. So she switched on the car's engine and drove off the parking lot into the direction of One Police Plaza, still quietly hoping she would be home early.

~()~

She had been wrong.

The meeting the Police Commissioner wanted her to attend turned out to be a dinner at a stylish Uptown restaurant and they were accompanied by the Mayor and several other police captains from various precincts. She not only felt she had been set up, since the Police Commissioner seemed to know that if she had known about this she would have found a way to get out of it, she also felt massively underprepared and it was only because she wasn't the only one unaware of the meeting that she didn't look like a total fool.

It was just after nine o'clock when she stuck her key into the lock and stepped into her apartment. She released her breath as she closed the door behind her and walked into the room. The first thing she noticed was that the television was on. The second thing she noticed was that Noah's toys that had littered her living room floor this morning before she went to work had all been put away in the toy box under the window sill.

"Hey," Amanda said. She sat on the couch, her legs tucked up underneath her.

"Amanda, I'm so sorry I'm late," Olivia apologised.

"S'allright," Amanda smiled. "When I got your message, I knew. The Commissioner set you up, eh?"

Olivia fell down in the arm chair and kicked off her shoes. "Yeah." Her brown eyes briefly met Amanda's blue. "Would I be out of line if I called him an asshole?"

Amanda grinned. "I didn't hear anything."

Olivia stood back up and padded on her socks across the room to the door that led to Noah's bedroom. Before she opened it she looked back at Amanda. "Did he go to sleep all right?"

"He asked for you," Amanda admitted and she could see the hurt flicker behind Olivia's eyes. She knew Olivia would rather have been at home to put the boy to bed and she couldn't blame her. "But he had his bath, I put his pyjamas on and tucked him in. You did want him to wear the pyjamas with the dinosaurs on, right? The ones on his bed?"

"Yeah," Olivia smiled. She quietly opened the door and peered around it.

In the orange glow of his nightlight she could see Noah lying in his cot, on his back, his blanket pulled up to his chin and his favourite soother still in his mouth. A smile spread across Olivia's face as she watched him sleep. Having him was the closest she'd come to motherhood and although the judge had determined she was Noah's foster carer rather than his adoptive parent, it felt like he was hers. She was the only thing in this whole world that this boy had left and she wasn't going to let that go.

She softly closed the door and walked back into the living room, sitting back down in the arm chair. Her gaze fell on Amanda. The blonde's arm was draped across the couch's' arm rest, her legs pulled up underneath her. It was the most relaxed she had seen the younger detective for some time, especially considering recent events.

Discovering that Amanda had been raped several years ago had changed the way Olivia looked at the blonde woman. She no longer saw a broken soul struggling with her addiction. Now she saw a reason for that darkness but she also saw the survivor inside Amanda, even if Amanda didn't see it inside herself, and Amanda's struggles and her mistakes suddenly had a different meaning. It didn't excuse what she had done in the past but Olivia now understood why Amanda had gone off the rails more than once. The only thing that hadn't changed was Amanda still refusing to accept help from anyone, choosing instead to push those around her away and fighting her demons on her own.

Olivia knew what that was like; to hide away from the world and refusing to let anyone see her pain. She had done it when Elliot left. It was at that time that the life she had known, the world as she had known it, had slowly started to fall apart. Even more so than after the events in the prison when she was assaulted. Losing her partner had scarred her and it was only the beginning of her injuries. After Lewis, she had been more damaged than she'd like to admit to herself, or to anyone. Looking back she doubted if she'd ever even told her therapist the true extent of how broken she felt. But she had glued the pieces back together and although the cracks were still there, she felt whole again.

"Liv?" Amanda's voice roused the brunette from her thoughts and she looked up. "You ok?"

"Sorry," Olivia apologised. She stared down at her hands, momentarily worried that Amanda would be able to see exactly what flickered behind her eyes. "Just thinking."

Amanda flashed a smile and pushed herself up from the couch to bend down and pick up her shoes. "I'd better get going," she said as she slipped her right foot into the boot. "It's late."

"Can you… stay?" Olivia asked tentatively and Amanda looked up in surprise. The brunette woman jerked her head a little, suddenly reminded about how loaded the question sounded. It was as if something in the room changed, something unspoken. Without making eye contact she quickly added, "I've got half a bottle of wine that needs finishing."

Amanda stopped halfway through her attempt of putting on her other shoe, leaving it a moment too long before answering. Olivia stood up, taking Amanda's silence as an answer, and started for the door.

"You're right," she said, running her fingers through her hair. An uncomfortable feeling had crept up on her and it wasn't until she reached the door that she realised what it was. Rejection. "It's late. That bottle can wait."

"Liv, it's fine," Amanda answered, causing the older woman to turn around and look at her. Amanda smiled and the loaded tension between them suddenly shifted. Amanda tried to make light of the situation by saying, "I like wine."

Olivia's cheeks flushed a sudden shade of red. "Ok."

She quickly walked into the kitchen, opened the top cupboard next to the fridge and took out two wine glasses. She then took the opened bottle of red wine that stood on the side, a reminder of yet another night after a very long day, and carried it with the two glasses into the living room and sank back into the arm chair. As she sat down, her eyes briefly fixed on Amanda. She had taken her shoes back off and stretched out over the back of the couch. The red blouse she wore had slipped up a little, exposing her toned abdomen.

Olivia poured the burgundy liquid into the glass before handing it to Amanda. The younger woman reached out to take it and for a moment their eyes met over the rim of the glass.

Olivia made herself comfortable in the arm chair. "So, you used to baby sit, eh?"

"Don't look so surprised," Amanda grinned. She watched as the wine swirled around inside the glass. "But yeah. An old High School friend had a little girl, Savannah. She sometimes had to work a double shift so I'd look after her for a few hours. Single mom, father did a runner…."

"So the next time I need a sitter, I can call you?" Olivia arched an eyebrow.

Amanda's blue eyes twinkled. "If you don't have me pull another double."

They sat in silence for a little while, with just the sound of the TV in the background. This was the first time Amanda had been alone with Olivia since the moment in her office where Olivia offered for Amanda to see her therapist to deal with the demons from her past. She had done her best to avoid being alone with Olivia since then though she didn't think the older woman had noticed. They'd been busy and it wasn't like they spend a lot of time together outside of work. Amanda had accepted Olivia's help and got as far as walking into the therapist's waiting room but then the one thing she always did took over; she ran.

The silence was interrupted by Olivia's cell phone vibrating and she answered it. "Benson." Her eyes found Amanda's across the room and the blonde knew that whatever it was, it wasn't anything good. "Ok. I'll get someone to meet you there." She hung up.

"Who was that?"

"Captain from the two-seven." Olivia chewed the inside of her cheek. "Two of his guys were called out to a domestic dispute. When they got there they found a woman with a black eye, her boyfriend had left the apartment." There was a pause. "But they also found a little girl and when the female officer asked if she was ok, the girl disclosed to her."

Amanda's eyebrows shot up. "Disclosed?"

"Abuse." Olivia didn't need to specify further. They both knew what it meant. They saw it every single day. "The female officer called her captain and he called me." She flipped the phone over in her hand. A hint of regret crept into her voice. "They've requested a female SVU detective."

Amanda nodded, slipped off the couch and began putting on her shoes. "I'll take it."

"I'm sorry," Olivia apologised.

"Nature of the job," Amanda replied as she stood up and started for the door. Olivia followed her, opening the door to let Amanda out. The blonde turned around, her blue eyes unexpectedly finding Olivia's brown ones and a smile spread across her face. "Noah's a sweet kid, Liv. He's lucky to have you."

"Or maybe I'm lucky to have him," Olivia grinned. She put her hand on Amanda's arm. The touch was familiar, perhaps a little too familiar, but she didn't pull back. "Thanks for helping me out, Amanda. I appreciate it."

"Don't mention it." Amanda stepped out of the door. "I'll see you Monday."

Olivia watched as the blonde detective headed towards the staircase and just before she disappeared from sight, Olivia called her back. "Call me?" When Amanda looked up in surprise, she added, "About the little girl. Let me know what happens, ok?"

Amanda nodded. "Tonight or tomorrow?"

"Tonight, if you can."

"Will do."

Olivia closed the door, locking it behind her. She then walked back into the living room and fell down on the couch where Amanda had been sitting. With a sigh she picked up Amanda's abandoned wine glass and carefully sipped from the red liquid. Slowly, as the bitterness of the alcohol burnt down the back of her throat, she leant back and her eyes fluttered shut.

What woke her was the sound of her phone vibrating on the coffee table. Her eyes snapped open and she immediately realised she had fallen asleep on the couch. The TV was still on, broadcasting what looked like a weather forecast. She sat up whilst ignoring the dull ache in her neck. She glanced at her watch and groaned when she realised it was half past one in the morning.

Olivia reached for her phone and saw Amanda's name flash across the screen. She swallowed hard before answering. "Hey," she said. "What've you got?"

"The girl says her mother's boyfriend hits both of them regularly. She also shows signs of sexual abuse. The doctors have done a full rape kit; signs of bruising and tearing. Patrol car picked up the boyfriend half an hour ago. They're booking him and transferring him to the tombs, ready for arraignment on Monday morning. I already spoke to Barba."

Olivia could hear the sounds of traffic in the background and guessed Amanda was walking home from the subway.

"Looks like an open and shut case to me," Olivia said as she stood up. Still clutching the phone she walked to the bedroom, unbuckling her jeans as she stepped into her bedroom. "Thanks for taking the call, Amanda. You going home now?"

The traffic noise had died down. Now she heard the echoing sound of footsteps. Amanda climbing the stairs in her apartment building.

"Just walking through the door," Amanda answered. "Did I wake you?"

"Sort of."

"Sort of? What kind of answer is that?"

Olivia smiled to herself. What happened tonight was a frequent occurrence. "I fell asleep on the couch."

"I see." Amanda walked straight into her bedroom and kicked off her shoes. She balanced the phone between her ear and her shoulder as she began to unbutton her shirt. "You should go to bed, Liv."

"Yeah." Olivia stepped out of her jeans, leaving them in a pile on the floor. "Have a nice weekend, Amanda."

"You too. G'night."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Amanda walked into the squad room on Monday morning clutching a cup of coffee from her favourite coffee shop. She unzipped her coat as she walked to her desk, draped it over the back of her chair and then looked in the direction of Olivia's office to check if the other woman was in yet. When she saw the door was open she left the coffee on her desk and walked up to the office. Her knuckles tapped against the wooden doorframe and Olivia to look up.

"Morning," Amanda smiled. She was leaning against the open doorway, her eyes lingering on the brunette sitting behind the desk. "Nice weekend?"

A smile crept across Olivia's face as she laid eyes on the younger woman. "Good morning and no. The rain kept us inside all weekend. Ever tried trying to entertain a toddler between four walls all day? Even a mansion would feel like a tiny apartment by about noon."

"Did he trash your living room again?"

"Again?" Olivia arched an eyebrow and she realised that Amanda meant the state her apartment had been in when she picked up Noah on Friday. "Oh, you mean the explosion of toys?"

"It was as if someone had raided Toys R Us and dumped the entire shop content on your living room floor," Amanda smiled.

She slipped her hands into the pockets of her jeans and for a few seconds the two women just looked at each other. Neither seemed to quite know what to say but the silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. Amanda was about to speak again but the words died on the tip of her tongue when she became aware of Fin walking up behind her.

"Morning, Sarg," he said as he slapped Amanda on her shoulder. "Just got a call from Nick. He's got Zara this week because her mother's got some kind of work thing and his mother didn't come back with them. Something about visiting her sister. Apparently the kid threw up everywhere this morning."

Olivia nodded. "Ok." Her gaze fixed on Fin. He was wearing a suit and tie, something that was a rare sight in the squad room. "You're due in court, yeah?"

He nodded and ran his hand over his suit, pretending to brush some dust of his sleeve. "The Martinez case."

"Looks like it's you and me today then," Olivia said and glanced briefly at Amanda before looking back at Fin. "You sorted your testimony?"

"I'm heading over to the courthouse now. Barba's waiting for me."

"Good luck," Amanda said encouragingly as he turned around and walked out of Olivia's office. She then looked back at the older woman and tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "It's Monday, first day of the week. It's going to be quiet, right?"

~()~

Those words came back to bite her in the ass.

The elevator doors swung open and Olivia and Amanda stepped out. Amanda's face was a mask of anger, her blue eyes flickered with frustration and she walked with big steps, her hands firmly clenched into fists. Olivia was a few steps behind her, her brown eyes fixed on the younger detective in concern. She had never seen Amanda quite so angry.

"I swear, if I get my hands on that son of a bitch, I'm going to cut his balls off and shove them down…"

Amanda's sentence was cut short by Olivia's hand coming to a rest on her shoulder. She spun around, alarmed by the unexpected touch. The older woman jerked back slightly but didn't remove her hand.

"What?!"

"You should go shower," Olivia said softly. Her eyes were kind and she hoped to see some of the anger fade from Amanda's face. "It'll help."

"It'll help?" Amanda scoffed. Her face was scrunched up in revulsion. "Last I checked, it wasn't you that had a bucket of fish guts emptied over their head!"

Olivia heaved a sigh as she took in Amanda's appearance. The blonde detective's clothes were drenched. Her shirt and jeans clung to her athletic frame. Her hair had gone frizzy but most obvious of all was the smell of rotting fish. Bloody stains desecrated Amanda's clothes and Olivia suspected the younger woman would throw her outfit straight into the incinerator at her apartment complex. No washing machine would ever be able to combat the smell.

It had all happened so fast. An hour into their morning they were called out to a woman's apartment in the Upper West Side. She had woken up that morning, her mind groggy, and discovered her body bore signs of sexual assault but she couldn't remember what had happened. As they backtracked her steps over the weekend, it led them to a nightclub in Chelsea. A quick look at the security footage revealed a man spiking her drink before helping her into a cab. They'd traced him to the harbour and that's where things had taken a different turn.

Their suspect, a moron by the name of Craig Wallace, had spotted them the moment they entered the docks, their badges clipped to their coats. When they approached he'd thrown a bucket of fish guts in their direction before running off. Olivia had seen him grab the bucket and swerved out of the way in time. Her desperate shout of "Amanda, duck!" got lost and the blonde woman had been hit by rotting content inside the bucket. At the time she had ignored it, giving chase instead and she'd tackled their suspect not even fifty yards into the chase. His face had bounced off the docks, causing his nose to bleed. He'd struggled against Amanda's weight pressing him down and Olivia putting on the handcuffs, even trying to spit in Olivia's face but only having his face smashed back against the ground by a furious Amanda who hissed something about him needing to learn to respect a woman and that he'd learn that lesson the hard way when he was thrown into Rikers.

"Wallace has been taken to the tombs. He won't be arraigned until at least Wednesday. We've done what we could do. It's up to Barba now," Olivia said, her hand still resting on Amanda's arms. "Go and shower. I'll start the paperwork and we can finish up together when you come back, ok?"

Amanda chewed her lip. She wanted to see this case through to the end, mainly because of what Wallace had done to his victim but also because of what he'd done to her and Olivia. Her blue eyes darkened as she looked up at the older woman. "Don't forget to add the file that charges with him assaulting a police officer."

Olivia arched an eyebrow. "You sure?"

"Hell yeah," Amanda groaned. "You think I'm going to let him get away with this?" She pointed at her dirty clothes. "And if not for the damn fish guts, then for trying to spit in your face."

Olivia couldn't help but smile. Amanda wanted to defend her honour. "Ok," she answered. "I'll get the paperwork. Now, go and shower. If you don't mind me saying…" She eyed the younger woman up to make sure Amanda wouldn't take what she was about to say the wrong way, "…you stink."

Amanda let out a hollow laugh before heading towards the locker rooms. Olivia watched her go and waited until the door had closed behind her before walking into the squad room.

Amanda was relieved to find the women's locker room empty. It was one thing that Olivia saw her in the state she was in but she preferred nobody else to be a witness to this. Heaving a sigh, she opened her locker and took out one of the two spare sets of clothes she kept here, her towel and her shampoo and shower gel. She placed her clothes on the wooden bench in the middle of the room and began peeling her wet, stinking clothes away from her body.

First she pulled her shirt over her, then she kicked off her boots and removed her socks. Next she unbuckled her jeans and reached around her back to unhook her bra. She left the clothes in a messy pile on the floor and, just wearing her panties and clutching her towel, Amanda padded to the other side of the room to one of the three shower stalls and opened the door to the one on the right.

She switched on the water, peeled her panties down her legs and gratefully stepped underneath the steady warm flow. A soft groan escaped her as she tilted her head back, water pouring into her eyes. It was only now that she stood under the warm water that she felt the pain in her muscles and she guessed that by tomorrow morning, her arms and legs would be black and blue.

Amanda washed her hair three times and scrubbed her entire body twice before she felt convinced that she had completely erased the smell of rotting fish. Steam had filled the locker room and her skin was red and blotchy. The fresh scent of jasmine mixed with vanilla lingered in the room as she switched off the shower, took her towel from the hook on the door and wrapped it around her body. She then opened the stall door and picked up her clean clothes from the wooden bench.

She had just zipped up her slouchy boyfriend jeans and was midway through brushing her hair when the door to the locker room opened. Amanda looked over her shoulder to find Olivia standing in the doorway.

"Liv," she said, her cheeks suddenly feeling hot, "hey."

"Hey," Olivia said. She was somewhat startled to find the blonde wasn't fully dressed but she let her eyes trail up along Amanda's body, starting at the blondes bare feet, up along the loose fitting jeans that hung low on her hips and revealed the waistband of light blue panties, up further along her toned abdomen and eventually Amanda's breasts clad in a simple white bra, her shoulders and finally her eyes. It had merely taken two or three seconds but when she met Amanda's blue eyes, she knew the blonde had noticed.

She waited too long and she knew Amanda would pick up on it straight away. The younger woman was perceptive like that. "Sorry," she then clumsily apologised. "I thought you were finished." It came out as some kind of weird stutter. She had never stuttered before. "Just… wondered what took you so long, you know." It was the best she could come up with.

"I'm almost done," Amanda answered without taking her eyes of Olivia. "You have no idea how hard it is to get that smell off your skin."

She didn't know why her stomach had just tightened. It wasn't like Olivia had never seen a half-naked woman before. She put down her hairbrush and picked up the simple black sweater, slipped it over her head and pulled it down over her upper body. Her eyes snapped back up at Olivia almost immediately. "I'm ready."

Olivia began to turn around in the open doorway. "I'll see you outside."

The door closed behind her and Amanda suddenly found the silence and emptiness of the locker room incredibly overwhelming.

She picked up her dirty clothes and dumped them in the trash can in the corner of the room. Taking them home would only make her pickup stink and to be honest, she didn't want anything to do with them anymore anyway.

Amanda then walked out of the locker room and found Olivia leaning against the wall outside, her arms folded across her chest and her eyes fixed on the floor. Strands of chestnut hair covered her face and not until Amanda walked into her peripheral vision did she look up. Her lips twitched and one eyebrow arched up.

"What is it?" Amanda wanted to know. She could tell from Olivia's face that something happened, something she had been about to tell her in the locker room. She searched Olivia's face. She had seen this look before. "Liv, what's going on?"

"I just got a call," Olivia began. There was an echo of trepidation in her voice. "From the Feds."

"FBI?" Amanda furrowed her brow. "What did they want?"

"You know that DNA sample we sent off? The one we now know belongs to Wallace?"

Amanda nodded. Their victim had a rape kit done at the hospital and Olivia had sent the DNA they found to the lab to be tested. By the time they'd connected Wallace to the crime, the results hadn't come in yet.

"What about it?"

"Well, the state wide search came up empty."

"So? He'd probably never been entered into the database before." Amanda shrugged. "An animal like Wallace has done this before, I _know_ it. Maybe his other victims just didn't come forward."

Olivia shook her head. "Amanda, the search came up empty for New York." She chewed the inside of her cheek and picked at her fingernails. "I asked the lab to run the sample nationally when the results came back empty."

"And?"

"That's why the Feds called. Our search was flagged in their system. The DNA was a match to four other states. Arizona, Texas, New Mexico and Georgia."

Amanda stared at Olivia in disbelief, shocked to find that the statement she'd made a few seconds ago had been proven correct. "So he really has done this before."

"They've been looking for him for three years. _Three years_." Olivia paused, haunted by the realisation that they had just brought closure to several families who, until now, had wondered if the man who killed their sister, wife, girlfriend or mother would ever be caught. Her voice was shaky when she spoke again. "Our victim is lucky to be alive." She ran her fingers through her hair, the tremor in her voice so obvious she mentally chastised herself for it. "The ten other women he raped weren't so lucky. And those are the ones we know of."

"Ten?!" Amanda looked horrified. A chill crept down her spine as the true extent of Craig Wallace's crimes sank in. "Oh my God." The words rolled off her tongue in a sad, quiet whisper.

Olivia looked deflated. It wasn't very often that they encountered such a prolific serial rapist. It was bad enough that they were dealing with monsters who raped just once but there was something even more wicked about those who continued raping women. It was in moments like this that she was reminded of William Lewis and she had to fight the memories of what he had done to her, and to so many other women, at bay.

"They're picking him up first thing tomorrow morning. It's a Federal case now. Prosecutors in all four states are lining up to take him to trial. And since his New York victim is alive…"

Amanda nodded. She understood why the prosecutors were eager to take on this case and she couldn't blame them. "Three of those states have the death penalty."

"I know."

"So what about our case?"

Olivia slowly released the breath she'd been holding. "We finish our paperwork and hand everything over to the Feds. It's up to the law now to send him to trial and impose a sentence."

"God, I need a drink," Amanda groaned. Through her eyelashes she looked up at Olivia and from the dark look in the brunette's eyes she guessed she wasn't the only one. Olivia's eyes were distant, like she had gotten lost in a memory from a long time ago. Amanda's fingers crept up on the older woman's arm, causing a startled jerk, and Olivia's weary eyes found Amanda's. "I guess I'll order drinks for two, huh?"

"Let's wrap this case up," Olivia said quietly and she and Amanda slowly walked back towards the squad room. "And maybe, just maybe, we can tell our victim that because she was brave enough to speak up, she's brought closure to all those families who lost someone they loved without getting the chance to say goodbye. She gave all those women a voice and they've finally been heard."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

By Wednesday, Amanda was convinced they were halfway through one of the worst weeks they'd ever seen at SVU. They were up to their eyeballs in cases, as well as an ongoing trial that saw Fin spend more time in the courtroom than at his desk. In that courtroom he was in the company of an agitated Rafael Barba who was desperate to see their perp go to prison for the next twenty years and who seemed to be permanently functioning on indescribable levels of caffeine. The days in the squad room started early and finished late. None of this was helped by Nick's absence and the discovery of a child pornography ring at a well-respected private school.

With a sigh, Olivia put her signature under the last piece of paperwork that had come across her desk and she closed the file. Her office was dark other than the yellow glow coming from the lamp on her desk and she leant back in her chair, stretching out her arms above her head as she did so. Her eyes fixed through the open blinds on the desk just outside her office. Amanda's fingers were flying across the keyboard of her computer.

Olivia stood up, picked up her coat and her handbag and walked out of her office. Amanda didn't hear her approach and didn't look up until Olivia perched herself on the edge of her desk.

The brunette's eyes lingered on Amanda's face. "Whadda ya say l buy you a drink and we both forget about the paperwork for tonight?"

Amanda looked up, arching an eyebrow in surprise. "Really?" Her fingers came to a rest. "You're actually telling me to stop? You were chasing my ass to finish these DD5's only an hour ago!"

Olivia cracked a smile, remembering how she'd sort of snapped at Amanda that she wanted those DD5's on her desk by the morning. "Sorry," she apologised. "I know we're stretched a little thin with Nick not being here and Fin practically living at the courthouse." She shrugged when Amanda didn't seem to show any intention of shutting down her computer. "I'm buying?"

"Shouldn't you go home to Noah?" Amanda asked. She pushed her chair away from her desk and stood up.

"Lucy's staying till ten. I called her earlier. Since I already missed his bedtime, I don't really want to go home and be reminded of how bad a mother I am."

"You're not a bad mother," Amanda countered. Her voice was a sharp and blue eyes unexpectedly pierced into Olivia's brown ones. "He's lucky to have you, Liv."

"Yeah well…" Olivia didn't finish her sentence but her teeth worried her bottom lip. "So, how about that drink?"

Amanda grinned as she put on her coat. "I never say no to a free drink."

They walked out of the squad room together, leaving behind the demons that had followed them around for the day, and stepped into the elevator. Olivia pressed the button for the ground floor and the two women watched the doors slide shut. Neither of them spoke, the silence of the small space suddenly overwhelming.

Amanda fumbled with her hands before clumsily shoving them into the pockets of her coat and stared down at her boots. She was very much aware of Olivia's close proximity and she was practically able to feel the warmth radiating of the other woman's body. Never before had a short elevator ride felt so suffocating.

When the doors opened, Amanda bolted out of the elevator and was almost out of the door when Olivia caught up with her. She shot the blonde a puzzled look but didn't say anything as they stepped outside.

They walked in silence as Olivia mulled over her request for Amanda to join her for a drink. It had just blurted out of her mouth without really thinking about it and now it seemed that the question had left things tense between them, even if she didn't quite know or understand why.

Amanda held the door for her as they walked into the small bar half a block from the precinct. It was frequented by cops and the bartender knew most of his customers by name. He looked up when Amanda and Olivia entered.

"Evening, Sarg," he said as he reached for a bottle of red wine on the shelf behind him. "The usual?"

Olivia glanced at Amanda for reassurance and when the blonde nodded she answered, "Two please."

Amanda followed Olivia to one of the booths and slipped into the seat. Her eyes were fixed on the table after she grabbed a beermat and began tearing it apart and she didn't look up when Olivia slipped into the opposite seat.

The bartender put the two glasses of wine on the table and Olivia paid for them. Once he was out of earshot, her dark eyes fixed on the blonde sitting in front of her. Amanda's fingers had closed around the glass, caressing the cold material almost tenderly. Olivia watched Amanda's hands on the glass, momentarily taken aback by how fragile Amanda looked.

"You ok?" Olivia inquired carefully and Amanda's eyes snapped up, suddenly all too aware that she was being watched.

"Tired," Amanda confessed. "It's been a long week and it's only Wednesday."

"It'll be good to have Nick back. Fin's probably going to be in court for a couple more days. We could really do with having an extra set of hands," Olivia smiled. "You know what they say, never a dull day at SVU."

Amanda leant back a little in the booth. There wasn't much space but she managed to stretch her arms across the backrest of the seat. "Some of these days are just a reminder that…" She didn't finish her sentence, realising that what she was about to say would only make her look pathetic and that was the last thing she wanted Olivia to think she was. Instead she averted her eyes and stared at an old poster promoting Jack Daniels Whiskey on the wall.

Olivia cocked her head. "A reminder of what?" When an answer didn't come, she pressed a little harder, reaching over the table to touch the other woman but Amanda pulled away. Olivia briefly wondered if she had crossed a line. She had noticed Amanda could get tense when touched unexpectedly. The last thing she wanted to do was make her uncomfortable. "Amanda?"

Suddenly tired blue eyes met Olivia's. "That I've done absolutely nothing with my life."

"What do you mean?"

Amanda ran her fingers through her hair and rolled her eyes, regretting she had even started this whole conversation. "You know, I go to work, I get home, I go to sleep…. Repeat."

Olivia looked down at her hands. The absence of a wedding ring was a reminder that she wasn't too different from Amanda. There had been plenty of times where she had reflected on her own life in a similar way. "I think that's the same for most of us."

"You've got Noah," Amanda countered. There was a hint of resentment in her voice, as if she was angered by Olivia's suggestion they were in any way similar. "Something to come home to, you know. Something that isn't always work or the same damn shit on TV." She briefly glanced at Olivia. The brunette hadn't even blinked as she swore. "I thought that by the time I'd hit thirty-five, my life would look a little bit different. I've got my shield but that's about it. I live in a shoebox in a shitty part of town, my truck's falling apart, and I'm still paying off my gambling debt…" She rolled her eyes. "Hell, I'm a recovering addict. It doesn't exactly fit the picture I once had in my head."

Sensing the frustration, Olivia decided to try and get Amanda to open further. It wasn't like Amanda to spill her feelings like this and Olivia wasn't about to let her off easy. There was a hint of a smile on her lips when she asked, "And what did that picture look like?"

Amanda sheepishly grinned. "This is going to sound stupid but I always expected that I'd meet someone. Someone nice and half decent, not someone who's afraid of commitment, or who's got issues…. Someone who doesn't mind the insane hours." She shrugged as she took a large gulp from the wine. The alcohol tasted bitter down the back of her throat. "I guess I had just hoped I'd have found someone by now, you know."

"There's still time," Olivia said softly. Hearing Amanda say those words was like hearing herself speak. She thought she'd found it when she and Brian Cassidy got together but it had all crumbled to dust in the end after all. At this time in her life she wasn't sure she would ever find the person who ticked all the boxes for her but she wasn't quite willing to let go yet. "Don't give up hope."

Amanda grinned, the hint of a pink blush spreading across her cheeks as she peered up at Olivia through her eyelashes. "I sound like one of those lame descriptions you see on a dating site."

"Not that lame at all," Olivia answered. She finished off her wine and looked at Amanda's glass. It was still half full. Her voice carried a hint of playfulness as she spoke again. "Want another one?"

"Why the hell not," Amanda answered and pushed her glass across the table to Olivia. Their fingertips briefly touched and she smiled. "Thank you."

~()~

It was late by the time they walked out of the bar. The last time Amanda had checked her watch, it had been a quarter past nine. It was Olivia who suggested it was time to go home not long after. So they both stepped out into the cool evening air and came to the realisation they would have to go separate ways to get home. Olivia had driven into work that morning and her car was in the car park at the precinct. Amanda had to take the subway home and the station was two blocks away.

"I'll see you tomorrow," Amanda said as she snuggled a little deeper into her coat. She wasn't particularly cold, not with three glasses of red wine in her system, but the wind was rather chilly.

"Bright and early," Olivia answered and watched as Amanda headed into the direction of the subway station. "Get home safe, ok?"

"Will do," the blonde promised. "Thanks for the wine, Liv." She turned around and started walking away, her head bent a little to shield herself from the wind.

"Hey, Amanda?" Olivia called her back and Amanda turned around, blonde hair dancing around her face. She brushed a strand out of her eyes and then the dark haired woman came into view. Olivia was smiling. "Why don't you join me and Noah this Saturday? If the weather's nice, we're going to Central Park for a picnic."

"Sure," Amanda beamed and her stomach did an unexpected back flip. "I'd like that."

Olivia smiled when she saw how Amanda's face lit up and waved one last time before the younger woman disappeared around the corner. She then heaved a sigh and pushed her hands into the pocket of her coat. She walked quickly, with big steps, back to the precinct and climbed behind the wheel of her car, welcoming the warmth and comfort of the heater as it kicked in. She turned the key, the engine came to life and the radio followed. An overexcited DJ just announced some new teenage band's latest hit and Olivia quickly switched the radio off. All she wanted was peace and quiet.

Traffic was quiet at this time of night and she made it home in twenty five minutes. When she stuck the key into the lock and stepped inside, she was greeted by Lucy putting on her coat. They said their goodbyes in the open doorway after Lucy told her that Noah had gone to bed easily and had enjoyed his dinner. Olivia thanked her for staying late and locked the door behind the girl once she was gone. She then slowly released her breath, suddenly overwhelmed by the silence of her own apartment and the startling feelings that had followed her home since leaving the bar.

She took off her shoes by the door and padded across the living room. The TV was still on. Lucy had been watching a movie and Olivia quickly peered behind Noah's bedroom door. He was asleep in his cot, sprawled out on his back. She smiled to herself before walking back to the living room and sank down on the couch. Just as she sat down and put her feet on the coffee table, her cell phone bleeped.

She swiped the screen and Amanda's name popped up. _Got home. Thanks again for the wine._

The dark haired detective smiled to herself as she typed a message back. _Glad you're home. Hope the wine didn't go to your head. Mine's spinning. See you tomorrow. _

Somewhere across the city, Amanda checked her phone as it vibrated. She'd just walked into her bedroom with the intention of going to sleep early. Upon seeing Olivia's name flash across her screen she grinned and checked the message. When she read what Olivia had written she let herself fall onto her back on her bed before typing her reply.

_My head's never been clearer. _She hesitated, contemplating briefly to erase what she had just written but decided against it. Her heart pounded in her throat as she quickly typed a few more words and then hit 'send'.

_Thanks again, Liv. Goodnight. _


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Friday marked the end of their week but it had a few surprises up its sleeve. Amanda and Olivia were called out to an apartment building in the Upper West Side after the neighbours reported shouting and the responding uniformed cops found the place covered in blood, with a trail leading out of the door. The crime scene unit found traces of semen on the living room carpet, which resulted in a call being made to SVU. By the time Amanda and Olivia arrived, a female uniformed officer stood in the hallway with a screaming baby.

The apartment was registered to a Simone Johnson, aged twenty-five. Nobody else was registered to be living here, no boyfriend or husband so Olivia assumed that the baby belonged to their victim.

"We found her in the apartment," the young woman said when Olivia inquired about the baby. "There was a bloody handprint on the nursery door. We think her mother may have tried to get to her before the perp dragged her out. When we went in, she was still fast asleep. Never heard a thing. Woke up just now. I think she's hungry."

"Child Services are on their way?" Olivia asked and the uniformed officer nodded.

She didn't look to be any older than twenty-three and Olivia doubted she had more than a year's work under her belt. Her face was still fresh, with green inquisitive eyes. Strands of dirty blonde hair peeked out from underneath her hat.

"They said they'd be an hour though."

Amanda took a step forward, unable to cope with the sight and the sound of the screaming infant any longer. She stretched out her arms, missing the surprised look that Olivia shot her way. "I'll take it from here."

The police officer handed Amanda the baby. She guessed the little girl was no older than three to four months old and she was dressed in a simple with onesie with light blue flowers on it. As she lifted the baby into her own arms, a faint smell of urine hit her nostrils and Amanda made a mental note to change the baby's diaper as soon as she got a chance. Big brown eyes looked up at Amanda as she continued to wail, her face scrounged up and red.

Amanda followed Olivia into the apartment but instead of making her usual tour around the crime scene, Amanda diverted to the kitchen and began opening the cupboards in the hope of finding formula. When she reached the final cupboard she stumbled across the tins of formula as well as some bottles and, while still holding the now ever louder screaming baby, she made up the bottle of baby formula and popped it into the bottle warmer that stood on the side.

"Sssshh," she said softly as she brushed across the little girl's face. Her skin was damp to the touch and she felt warm due to all the crying. Amanda did her best to try and sooth the baby as the bottle warmed up but the screams only became louder. They ripped right through her. "It's going to be all right, I promise."

Minutes seemed to feel like hours as she waited for the bottle to warm up but when it was finally ready, Amanda breathed a sigh of relief, took the bottle and after removing the lid, carefully placed the teat into the baby's mouth. The screams almost instantly stopped and mere seconds later, the infant was happily sucking away at the bottle.

Amanda leant against the kitchen counter, adjusting the little girl a little so she could support her better, and her eyes briefly fluttered shut.

"Hey."

Her eyes snapped back open when she heard Olivia's voice and found the brunette detective leaning in the kitchen doorway, dark eyes trained on the blonde. The hint of a smile danced across Olivia's face as she took in the sight of Amanda feeding the baby. Something about the image struck her as incredibly endearing and Olivia couldn't quite explain why a wave of warmth suddenly washed over her but she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the sight in front of her.

"What's the situation?" Amanda wanted to know. She effortlessly slipped back into the role of detective, choosing to lock away any kind of emotions that made her look soft and gentle. The features of her face hardened, much to Olivia's disappointment as she had finally been allowed a glimpse of the woman behind the mask.

"The door's been kicked down." Olivia pointed at the damaged doorframe behind her. Wood splinters littered the floor and the door hung of its hinges. "There's blood in the bedroom and living room, semen on the living room floor. I think the perp got in and attacked her. She tried to run into the bedroom but he caught up, dragged her back in here and raped her. She tried to run again, maybe to protect her baby, but he got her again and kidnapped her."

"Did the neighbours hear or see anything?"

"Other than the lady who reported shouting, no one's seen or heard anything out of the ordinary." Olivia chewed her lip. "So somehow our perp manages to get a bloody woman out of this building without anyone noticing."

"Fire escape?" Amanda suggested. She glanced down to see how the baby was doing with the bottle. It was half empty and the little girl's eyes were half closed. The faint smell of urine had gradually grown stronger. "Back door exit? If he went through the front door with her, someone must have seen something."

"I'll get uniforms to do a door to door canvas," Olivia answered. "I found this picture in the bedroom." She held up a silver photo frame. Inside of it was a picture of a woman. Amanda assumed she was their victim. She stood on a pearl white beach, with the turquoise ocean behind her. Her smile was bright and her eyes reflected happiness. Long dark hair fell down her shoulders, touching the straps of her floral bikini top. "It's our victim. It's the only picture in the house."

"Only the one?" Amanda arched an eyebrow in surprise. Most people had more than just one picture of themselves in their home. "Did she just move in here?"

"According to the landlord, she moved in six months ago. Heavily pregnant. Paid the first three months' rent in advance. In cash. She's paid in cash ever since."

Amanda let her eyes wander around the kitchen. Nothing here seemed out of the ordinary. Whatever stuff there was seemed to be high end, not cheap or knock offs. She'd caught a glimpse of the furniture in the living room. It matched the same high quality as the stuff in the kitchen. The picture had been taken at an exotic location and a quick check of the tag in the baby's outfit told her t had been bought at a high end boutique.

"She's got money," Amanda said. Something about the situation didn't add up. "The place is decorated to a high standard, not your average yard sale trash. There are cushions in the living room that are worth more than my pay check but she pays the landlord in cash. Not something I associate with people who have money. They just go for credit cards." Her blue eyes found Olivia's. "Does any of this seem off to you?"

The brunette nodded. "I'll get Fin to check her financials, see what we find. I'm also going to check with the doorman downstairs, see if there are any surveillance videos."

"You think he came in through the front door?"

"Maybe." Olivia dug her phone out of her pocket. "I'll make sure uniforms collect the surveillance tapes from the shops up and down this road. Maybe we'll get lucky and see him get in or leave."

The baby had stopped drinking and Amanda skilfully pit her up against her shoulder and patted her back softly until she heard two quick burps. When she looked back at Olivia, she found the older woman was still watching her.

"Is the nursery clear?"

"CSU are about to go in. Why?"

"Diapers." Amanda grinned. "I can change her in here but I'll need diapers."

Twenty minutes later Amanda handed the baby over to the lady from Child Protective Services and after seeing them off down the corridor, she joined Olivia in the hallway. The older woman was talking to one of the neighbours and from the look on her face, the neighbour had just shared something interesting.

"So you're saying you heard a man's voice two nights ago?" Olivia questioned and the woman nodded.

"Yes. I even opened the door to see what was going on. He was standing right there…" The woman pointed at the door. Amanda guessed she was in her early forties, dressed immaculately in a pair of designer jeans, a white satin blouse and a gold necklace with matching earrings. "He was banging on the door, shouting at Simone to come out."

"Did she answer him?" Amanda wanted to know. Olivia shot her a sideways glance.

"She wasn't home. Wednesday nights is her baby massage class. I recommended it to her. It helps Zoe sleep better." Amanda realised that Zoe was the name of the baby she had fed forty minutes earlier. "I think he must have realised she wasn't here because he left after about ten minutes."

"Would you recognise him if you saw him again? Would you be able to describe him to a sketch artist?" There was a hint of hope in Olivia's voice.

"Yes." The woman nodded. "Definitely."

"Good. One of our officers will drive you to our precinct." Olivia beckoned one of the uniformed cops to come over and instructed him to drive the woman to their precinct. Once they were gone she turned to look at Amanda. Brown eyes reflected just how desperate she was to find Simone. "What do you think the odds are it's the same guy?"

"Two nights before all this he bangs on her door and demands she comes out?" Amanda's eyes darkened a little. "I say those odds are pretty damn good."

Olivia's voice dropped down to a whisper and she took a step closer to Amanda. Suddenly they both seemed to become aware of what they were facing. "Do you think she's still alive?"

It was the million dollar question.

"There's a lot of blood," Amanda answered quietly. "But we have to keep hope, right? He may have injured her, not killed her." She wasn't too sure about her own statement. The devastation in the apartment bore witness to a fight. The blood had been on the floor, the walls and the doors. "Maybe Warner will have some answers when she gets here." She looked up through her eyelashes and her gaze locked with Olivia's. Neither spoke.

For a split second the world around them came to a complete stop. They drowned, yet unaware of it, in each other's eyes.

Olivia let her eyes trail over the smaller woman's frame, aware that Amanda noticed what she did. She had not forgotten the sight of Amanda with the baby. "Why did you do that?" she wanted to know. Her voice was still soft. "Take the baby, I mean."

Amanda cocked her head a little. "Isn't that what you did when we first found Noah?"

Olivia paused. Amanda was right. Then she smiled. "Yes," she answered. "I suppose I did."

"It just felt like the right thing to do. Besides, that rookie looked like she was about to drop her any second." Amanda shrugged. "What can I cay… I'm good with kids."

Olivia watched as Amanda returned back to the apartment. She couldn't deny that Amanda's actions had surprised her but somehow it had also touched her deeper than she would've thought. After Amanda's offer to look after Noah and seeing how settled he'd been for her, Olivia wondered if there were other things about the blonde Georgian detective she didn't know about.

She couldn't say she knew Amanda particularly well. Well enough to call her a friend but not well enough to claim she knew her inside out. Amanda liked to keep to herself and didn't seem too keen on letting people come too close. Now that Olivia had learnt the truth about Amanda's reasons for leaving Atlanta, she understood why. Amanda was a woman tormented by her own demons and unlike Olivia, she had not quite reached the point where she was prepared to let others see her vulnerable side. Whenever Olivia had come close to breaking through the wall Amanda had built around herself, the blonde would pull her defences back up, shutting Olivia out.

In some ways Amanda wasn't that different from Olivia. The difference was that over the years Olivia had learnt to let others see she was hurting, occasionally allowing them to help her. Amanda wasn't ready for that yet and, frustrating as it was, Olivia understood like no other how important it was to let Amanda figure things out for herself. There was no point in trying to reach for someone who wasn't ready to accept a helping hand. All she could do was let Amanda know she was here when she was ready and Olivia hoped that one day, Amanda would accept that.

She let out a sigh before following the younger detective back into the apartment. She found Amanda in the victim's bedroom, facing the bed. Blood stained the sheets and the carpet. Olivia's heart froze when she saw the bloodied handprint on the pillow. In the back of her mind she heard an echo of a woman's voice screaming.

"Something's out of place," Amanda said as she let her eyes drift around the room. "I don't know what it us but it's… _something_." She turned to look at Olivia and pinned the detective with a piercing stare. "What do you keep in your bedroom?"

"What?" Olivia's eyebrows shot up and she felt her cheeks turn a deep shade of scarlet.

"We all keep stuff in our bedroom. Personal stuff. Photos, other bits that remind us of the memories we made in life," Amanda said. She gestured around without breaking the eye contact with Olivia. "There's nothing. No pictures, no paintings, no souvenirs from trips. Nothing." Their eyes were still fixed on each other. It seemed that her question had left the air between them loaded. The tension had inexplicably grown and her own heartbeat seemed to have doubled in pace. "My bedroom doesn't look this cold." The last statement came out as a whisper.

She slowly walked to the bedroom door. Olivia followed her, standing so close to Amanda that she could smell the scent of her perfume on her hair. She clenched and flexed her fingers in an attempt to calm the sudden raging storm inside her chest. She felt the incessant need to stay this close, to not let go of whatever had grabbed her back in the bedroom.

"No silly fridge magnets in the kitchen, no coffee mugs that have been bought in some dodgy souvenir shop." Amanda pointed at the walls. They were plain magnolia. Freshly painted in the shade one would usually find in a new home. "No paintings, no pictures." She turned to look at Olivia. "What was the nursery like?"

"The same," Olivia said. Her breath hitched. "Like she didn't bother to add any personal touches at all anywhere."

"Who does that?" Amanda asked. "Who moves in somewhere and doesn't make a place their own?" Blue eyes connected with Olivia's brown and unexpectedly her hand found Olivia's too. "We can check for Simone Johnson in our systems all we like. Something tells me we won't find anything dating back from before six months ago. Because before then, she didn't exist."

"You think she was hiding from something," Olivia concluded. A sense of excitement bubbled just beneath the surface.

Amanda's eyes found Olivia's yet again. They stood only two inches apart, their bodies practically pressed together in the small kitchen. The tension between them was so thick it could be cut with a knife. Her voice was breathless. "Or someone."

They were interrupted by the voice of Melinda Warner as she entered the apartment. When she discovered the two women in the kitchen she greeted them and Olivia hastily spun around, her eyes as wide as those of a deer caught in headlights. Melinda sent her a somewhat puzzled look, her eyes flashing from Olivia to Amanda and back, before continuing further into the apartment.

"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you," she said after taking in the scenes in the living room and the bedroom. "There's too much blood here. I don't think you'll find your victim alive. She was either already dead when he took her or she'll die soon." When she saw the questioning look in Olivia's eyes, she sighed. "I'm talking an hour or two at best."

Olivia glanced at Amanda. "We've got to find out who she was before she became Simone Johnson."

"Maybe the sketch artist can help."

"We don't have time to wait for that."

Amanda looked around the apartment one last time before following Olivia out. The way she saw it, time had already run out.

When they reached the car, Olivia took two deep breaths before climbing behind the wheel. Amanda had already slipped into the passenger side and when Olivia got in, she immediately sensed the tension between them. It was like electricity, dancing in the air. She knew Amanda felt it too but she also knew the blonde wouldn't say anything. As she started the engine and put the car in reverse, she shot Amanda a quick sideways glance.

"I hear the weather's supposed to be good tomorrow." A pregnant pause followed. She didn't know why she was so scared to ask the question. "Are you still good to go to the park with me and Noah?"

"Yes, of course." Amanda chewed the inside of her cheek as her stomach did an unexpected double flip. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Amanda stared at her reflection in the mirror in the corner of her bedroom. She cocked her head a little, somehow expecting it would change what she saw. It didn't. She didn't understand why she was so damn nervous about meeting Olivia and Noah at the park today but she'd wasted thirty minutes this morning just to decide what she was going to wear. Now that time was running out, she took in the sight of the worn out jeans, hanging loosely on her hips, the simple black boots and the baby blue shirt. She'd bound her hair back in a ponytail but in a last second change of heart, Amanda ripped the hair bubble from her hair and watched as the blonde locks fell freely down her shoulders. She then turned around, grabbed the red leather jacket from the end of the bed and left the bedroom.

She found her keys on the side in the kitchen, slipped them in her jacket and checked the back pocket of her jeans to make sure she had her phone. She then left her apartment, crossed te street and walked a block to the subway station. As she descended down the stairs she glanced at her watch. She had fifty minutes before she was meeting Olivia. The subway journey took thirty minutes, allowing her twenty minutes to pick up a coffee.

When she exited the subway station nearest to Central Park, Amanda observed the streets were busier than they had been nearer to her apartment. Central Park was a big tourist attraction and as she walked along the street, she heard at least four different languages spoken around her. She slipped into the Starbucks at the end of the street, ordered herself a double cappuccino and walked back out, her fingers eagerly clutching the warm cup.

She joined a group of French tourists waiting for the traffic light to change. As she looked up she discovered Olivia, dressed in dark blue jeans, knee length brown boots and a white sweater with her hair tied up, kneeling down beside Noah's stroller. The little boy was beaming up at her, a smile so wide that it could brighten up the darkest night, and Olivia returned the smile, ruffling his hair as she did so.

When the lights changed, Amanda forgot to walk. It hit her like a ton of bricks.

She _loved _her. She_ loved_ Olivia Benson.

Not the silly and somewhat teenage crush kind of love. Not even the earth shattering, all consuming kind of love that left a person unable to function. It was the warm, gentle the kind of love, as if someone had wrapped her up in a comfortable blanket. It was the kind of love she had described to Olivia only the other night; the kind where she'd feel like she had truly come home at night, where someone waited for her with a smile and a kiss. The kind of love where she felt like she had a home, a place of safety, a shelter in the shape of loving arms.

Amanda was rudely snapped out of her thoughts when a guy, no older than twenty, bumped into her. Her head spun around, ready to fire a quick and sharp response his way, but she noticed he was wearing headphones and was fixated on his phone. So instead she heaved a sigh and ran across the street as the traffic light flashed. Just as it turned back to red, she reached the other side. Behind her, the cars came to life.

"Hey," Olivia said when she saw Amanda emerge from the group of tourists, heading towards her.

Amanda brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and ignored the feeling of her cheeks turning red. "Hi." She spotted the picnic basket standing on the floor behind the stroller and arched an eyebrow in amusement. "You went all out, eh?"

"Go hard or go home," Olivia grinned. She went to reach for the basket but Amanda beat her to it. Briefly their eyes met and the older woman's smile grew wider. Brown eyes held blue maybe a moment too long. "Shall we?"

Amanda took a firm hold of the basket. "Lead the way."

The weather was nice. Not too warm but not too chilly either and as they walked into the park, Olivia and Amanda quickly realised, they weren't the only ones who had the idea to organise a picnic. The park was busy with people walking, pushing strollers and holding the hands of their children or walking their dogs, with tourists relishing in the fact they were walking through one of the most famous parks in the world and the loved up couples, holding hands of their arms wrapped around each other, somehow having forgotten the world around them.

"So, do you have a spot in mind?" Amanda asked after they'd been walking for about fifteen minutes.

"Actually, this is it," Olivia answered and gave Amanda a sideways look, seeing if the blonde approved.

They had reached a large grassy area right by the lake. They weren't the only ones here. Several more people had set up blankets on the grass but it wasn't crowded. Amanda could hear the sound of a child's laughter followed by the enthusiastic barking of what she guessed was a small dog. The view over the lake was stunning; the sunlight reflected off the water, creating a spectacle of gold coloured spots.

Amanda smiled. "Perfect."

They found a spot on the grass, still in the sun but with the trees behind them providing the opportunity for shade if they wanted it. Amanda sat down on her knees and opened the basket. Packed on top were three large blankets and she laid them out across the grass while Olivia unstrapped Noah from his stroller before putting him down on the blanket and giving him a couple of toys. She sat down herself and through her eyelashes she peered at Amanda. Their gazes locked but neither of them spoke.

Olivia finally broke off the eye contact by reaching into the picnic basket and taking out the food she prepared the previous night and early this morning. When she looked back up, she found Noah had crawled over to Amanda and she had picked up one of this toys. He giggled as she held it in front of his face.

Olivia sat back, unwilling to disturb the scene in front of her. She'd always found Noah a bit shy and even the teachers at his nursery had pointed out that he seemed to be a bit hesitant to make contact with new people. But he had only met Amanda once or twice, she was hardly familiar to him, but here he was, having sought out her company and wanting to play with her. The sight brought a smile to her face but also forced her to face a different kind of thing altogether.

She had grown fond of Amanda, but in a different way than say Nick or Fin. It was something that had happened slowly, perhaps because she had finally seen the woman behind the mask and she got a better idea of who Amanda was. Gone were the feelings of distrust and worry. Well, the worry was still there but it was no longer about the damage Amanda's behaviour would cause to the squad but more a worry about the blonde woman's welfare because Olivia knew all too well that demons were hard to fight and even harder to get rid of.

Seconds began to fade into minutes and Olivia continued to watch Amanda and Noah. He had indicated he wanted to sit on Amanda's lap and she had picked him up. She was now running her fingers up and down his arm as his head lazily rested against her chest. He had missed his morning nap and Olivia could see the tell-tale signs of tiredness, etched across his face.

Amanda became aware of Olivia watching her and slowly turned her eyes in the brunette's direction. "Such a light weight," she said softly, pointing at Noah. "Asleep before he's even eaten anythin'."

"S'allright," Olivia answered. "He missed his morning nap. He was way too excited and wanted to help pack everything up."

Amanda grinned. "And now he doesn't get to eat." She curiously eyed the various packages Olivia had taken out of the basket. "I'm starving. Didn't have breakfast."

"Well, you're in luck." Olivia began unwrapping the sandwiches she'd made as well as the chicken she'd cooked the night before. There were several pieces of fruit as well as other cold meats, potato chips, some dips, cans of diet coke and some French bread sticks. "There's probably way too much for just us anyway."

"Are you kiddin'? You've seen me eat, right?"

Olivia laughed. "I catered for your appetite, Amanda."

"Good."

They both picked up a sandwich eat and as she leaned forward, Amanda became aware of the heavy weight against her chest and looked down to see that Noah had fallen asleep. After silently checking with Olivia whether it was ok, she gently removed the sleeping boy from her lap and lay him down in between the two of them on the blanket. He never even stirred.

Amanda leaned back a little, resting her weight on her arms. It was nice to feel the sun on her head. It was also a reminder that she didn't go out enough, at least not enough to really enjoy it. She had been in New York for several years now and she'd never even taken the opportunity to just go for a walk in the park; it was always a run. Because when she ran, she didn't have to think.

"Did you used to do this as a kid?" Olivia suddenly asked. "Go out over the weekend, do something fun?"

Amanda chewed the inside of her cheek but then shook her head. "Not really. I mean, my daddy wasn't much of a family man and with Kim…" She didn't have to explain the troubles with her sister to Olivia. The brunette had experienced them up close. "We weren't exactly the perfect family." Blue eyes found brown. "You?"

"My mom would bring a bottle of vodka and forget the sandwiches," Olivia answered. There wasn't a hint of bitterness in her voice. She had forgiven her mother a long time ago. As she got older, she'd learned to understand her better too. She finally understood that every time her mother looked at her, she was reminded of the man who had raped her.

"She had some issues," Olivia continued. "She died years ago."

Amanda looked down at her hands. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I gave up on that years ago." Olivia hesitated. She had never flat out told Amanda what happened to her mother. Fin knew. So did Nick. She wasn't sure if Amanda did. When she saw the way Amanda looked at her, she knew the blonde knew. She didn't even have to say it.

"I always wanted to have a better family than the one I grew up in but when I became a cop and saw what went on behind closes doors, I often wondered if there even is such a thing as a family that isn't dysfunctional in some way. Everyone's got secrets," Amanda shrugged. "Made me realise that perhaps I was aiming for something impossible. Just accept that things come with flaws and you won't be as crushed."

"Wise words."

"True words."

"That too." Olivia looked at Noah sleeping in between her and Amanda. "Until I got Noah, I didn't think I'd ever have a family. I looked into fertility treatments but it was too expensive." It was the first time she'd admitted this to anyone. She hadn't even told Elliot back when she started all of this. "Looked into adoption too but they turned me down." There was a pause. "But then things turned around and Noah came along."

"Good things happen when we least expect it."

Amanda took a sip from the can of coke she'd just opened and didn't look at Olivia. The startling conclusion from earlier still haunted her. It was something she couldn't shake off. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to. If she were to withdraw, the way she always did when things became too close, she would lose this; this little place of warmth and shelter, even if it was just as friends. It was worth it because other than this, what else did she have?

"I thought about it," Amanda quietly said.

Olivia searched the younger woman's face. Amanda didn't look at her. "About what?"

"Going it alone. Fertility treatment, adoption, whatever." Amanda still didn't look up. It was almost as if she was confessing to a dirty little secret. "Sometimes I wonder if I'd done it, maybe I wouldn't have ended up in this mess. I would've had something else, _someone else_, to focus on."

She didn't know what it was about her time with Olivia but it somehow made her feel the safest she'd felt in a long time and it gave her the safety to open up. Things she had never dared to say out loud, afraid that judgement would follow, just rolled of her tongue. Spending time with Olivia was like being able to confess to everything, almost everything, she'd ever hidden from the world. It was that place called home again; she'd found the one place where she could drop the mask, where being fragile didn't necessarily mean getting hurt.

"I think you'd make a fantastic mother," Olivia said reassuringly. "Really, Amanda. I think you would."

"How do you know?"

"That little boy," Olivia pointed at Noah. "…has been through hell. He's shy, doesn't let a lot of people come close. But he fell asleep in your arms today. He trusted you the night you looked after us. No better sign than that. A child who doesn't trust easily, trusts _you_."

Amanda swallowed hard. She wasn't used to compliments. The unexpected tears burnt behind her eyes and she looked away, focusing instead on one of the chicken legs. Without glancing up she asked, "Are you going to eat that?" and when Olivia quietly answered no, she took it.

The silence between them lasted for a few moments in which they both listened to the sounds of children's laughter, of dogs barking and the soft breeze rustling through the trees.

It was eventually Olivia who changed the subject and asked if Amanda had been to the Ancient Greece exposition at one of the museums. When the blonde answered it was on her list of things to do, Olivia quickly asked, "How about we go next weekend? Not really a place for Noah but I can ask Lucy to watch him for a couple of hours. Or we could go after work one of the nights."

"Are you telling me I can finish early one of the nights?" Amanda grinned. "Really?"

"Call it the boss' discretion." Olivia's dark eyes twinkled. "Well?"

"Sure." Amanda bit her lip and she leaned a little closer without being too obvious. "I'd love to."

Beside them, Noah stirred and then lazily sat up.

"Not much of a nap," Olivia commented as she reached for a special box of food she'd prepared for him and removed the lid. He eagerly took a slice of apple. "Guess he's going to be grumpy later."

Noah had finished his apple slice and was reaching towards the box with pieces of fruit and veg and Amanda picked up a couple more apple slices and gave them to him. He eagerly took them from her and while eating, smiled at her.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude but I just wanted to say what a beautiful family you have."

Amanda looked up to find an elderly woman, probably in her seventies, standing a few steps away from them. Her hair was silvery grey with a few strands of black, a reminder of a time gone by, and was held back in a loose bun. Her dark green eyes were fixed on Noah eating his apple for a moment before looking from Olivia to Amanda. "I think it's just wonderful to see all these families out here on a Saturday. Your little boy is gorgeous."

Amanda was about to kindly point out to the lady that they weren't a family but Olivia spoke before she had a chance to and with a smile said, "Thank you."

"Have a nice day, ladies," the woman said before walking along and disappearing down the path.

Olivia looked at Amanda and saw the stunned look on her face. "What?" she asked, grinning.

"You didn't correct her."

"Why embarrass her?" Olivia asked. "She was just trying to be nice."

Amanda couldn't argue with that comment and as Olivia gave Noah the rest of the apple she'd cut up, she realised that she hadn't even wanted Olivia to correct the woman, she had just expected her to.

It was true what they said about time flying when you're having fun.

When Amanda checked her watch and noticed it was half past three, she was shocked. It felt like they'd only been here half an hour. Instead it had been three and a half hours. They'd just walked back to their blanket after feeding some of the left over bread to the ducks and Olivia had gathered the empty packets and cans and put them back in the basket. Noah was attempting to help her but the lid of one of the boxes was way more interesting as a toy.

Once they'd finished packing and Amanda had strapped Noah back into his stroller, they made their way back down the grass and onto the path. Olivia carried the basket and Amanda pushed the stroller. They walked along side each other without speaking and when they reached the exit, they stopped, aware they'd both have to go the other way.

Amanda tucked a strand of hair behind her ear as she handed the stroller back to Olivia. "So, see you Monday, yeah?"

"Bright and early," Olivia smiled. She took a step closer to Amanda, invading her personal space. She waited, making sure Amanda was all right with her coming closer. When the blonde didn't move away and didn't show signs of rejecting her, she carefully leaned in and wrapped her arms around Amanda. When she hugged her, she inhaled the sweet scent of Amanda's shampoo and her eyes fluttered shut. Suddenly the crazy busy world of New York City just came to a stop.

Amanda's arms slowly wrapped around Olivia and as she held her, she realised she didn't want to let go. She rested her head on the brunette's shoulder.

They reluctantly parted after what had felt like an eternity. Olivia's eyes were full of emotions Amanda couldn't register and she took a step back, her cheeks flushed and her heart hammering in her chest.

"I'll see you Monday," she said and turned around without waiting for Olivia's reply.

She effortlessly blended into another large group of tourists and once she was sure Olivia couldn't see her anymore, she ran.


End file.
